MONA LEAU

Script

Some people told me that there is no art work, there is only artists. I have been trying to find out why my life and me is like what it is. I’m not afraid of telling you these things anymore, because I don’t think anyone can hurt me as much as I did to myself. 

Well, starting from the family. my mom is a bossy woman. Any types of stupid people you can think of, she has done the same things, but she is also very smart. My mom was the one of the prettiest girls in her school. She was popular. She was smart and she had great grades. A lot of people can’t compare to her. After college, she got married with a guy she has been friends with since she was a kid, the popular guy in school - my dad, a talented musician. Then she joined the family business with my aunt and grandma. She has never really met any troubles in her life. Everytime when something happened, her relatives would solve it for her. She was so spoiled. Until she met my father - the biggest problem that nobody can solve for her. So she changed. As I can remember,  she has been beating me and humiliating me since I was three years old,  in every way she can think of, if I did something wrong while the business or my dad  happened to piss her off. She starts fights with everybody in the world. Anybody who didn’t do what she wanted, she would scream and yell at them and curse them. Before my grandpa died, she was the princess in my family. She had better parents than I do.

About my dad, I don’t remember much. I mean I do remember, but I chose to forget. I remember that he was always busy, and every night he came back, he would kiss me with the smell of alcohol. My mom has kept telling me that he was cheating on her since she was pregnant. The first time I’ve ever watched porn was on my dad’s computer, when I was 7. I didn’t know it was porn until I was 11. My relatives always told me that it’s my father turned my mom into a stupid woman who can’t control her temper, but I know it’s not just that.

Our family business was weird. My grandpa didn’t want my father and my aunt’s husband to abandon their wives, because he knew how his daughters were, and he knew how men are like, so he promised to my father and my uncle-in-law, that they can’t get any money, but they can live in big houses, driving fancy cars, and wear fancy watches. My dad used to want to buy me a birthday gift, and he didn’t have the money. My mom loved my dad too much, and she tried to help him out before. But first, my grandparents had all the money. Secondly, my dad was too stupid. He lent money to his friends and they never gave it back. Also, once he got money he would invite friends to dinner. I have never got my dad spending money on me before college. I never knew where he spent money on. I mean I know. How can I not know? My mom has kept telling me where he spent it on. Anyway, in this case, under this pressure, there were only two ways out, my dad and my cousin’s dad chose two different ways. My father chose freedom. He didn’t leave our house first. He even kept living with us, but started to try to use all the resources he can get, including my mom, to try to support his own living. And my aunt’s husband chose to follow my grandpa’s rules. Of course he’s not happy. He suffered, and he made my aunt suffer. He hated all of us. He doesn’t like his son -  my cousin, and always despite him, because my cousin is stupid. He came to my grandpa’s funeral, and didn’t shed a tear.

I understand all of these things, and why did they do things. Why my dad cheated. Why my grandpa tried to control them. Why my mom became a psychopathe. Why my grandma is always cautious about everything. Why my cousin is always inconfident. Why I’m always sad and chose to have an affair with my high school teacher. I understand them all, but besides these things, is there anything else that I can believe in?

My mom said she loves me. My dad said he loves me too. Maybe they do. I know they do. I know it by heart, but you know what is tragic? I don’t feel it. I don’t think anybody actually loves me. If they do, how can they hurt me like this. I guess they were supposed to love each other when they decided to get married. I think they were happy when they got married. There must be love in it, right? How can they hurt each other like that? How can they tear the life apart, and my life apart. My life is never a whole. I’m living, right here, in the present, but these are the things, the weight that’s on me.

I understand my dad. I chose to leave home too. Life is very hard. We’ve been trying to make it easier. 

My high school teacher used to tell me that it's not my fault, and he forced me to repeat this sentence with him. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault that my life was torn apart. It’s not my fault that my dad is an asshole, and my mom made me crazy. But whose fault is this? Is it everybody’s fault? Everyone has their reasons. I understand them all. I don’t hate my father for having an affair, because he was just looking for a cure, to find a peaceful place so that he could breathe from the hard life. I don’t hate my mom for not understanding anything. She gave me birth, and she tried to make me be a better person. She gave me basically everything I wanted. But I hate my father for not loving me. Everyone in my family loves themselves more than anyone else. If my dad loved me, he could’ve protected me when my mom beat me up. If he loved me, he could’ve been a better husband and spent more time with me.

I remember that when I was a kid, I didn’t like playing piano, but I would play it so that my dad would spend time with me. I remember that on my birthday, I had a lot of classmates in my house, and I wanted my dad to say hello to them, but he was rather playing guitar rather than making me a little bit happy. You see the picture? They were not even my friends. I don’t contact any of these anymore. I have everybody around me, but my dad wouldn’t spend 1min with me. I don’t hate him for cheating, that’s between him and my mom, but I hate him for never really knowing how to love me. He is supposed to love me, because he is my father. But I suppose not every parent has to love their kids. I guess it’s too much to ask. I don’t have the right to ask things from him, because he gave me birth. Also it’s his first time being a father. 

Now I can only know him from all these old pictures, because I don’t talk to him anymore. I don’t even know that there are pictures of my parents and me, we three together.

I understand everybody, and I understand myself in a lot of ways, but understanding is different from forgiving.

I’m really trying to get out of everybody’s life, because I figured that everybody can live pretty fine without me. Even though they may not now, they will be in the future. This is good to me too. I can keep a distance from everyone. Nobody will get hurt, and I will hurt nobody. I mean it. I’m not capable of loving anyone more than loving myself. 

A lot of things have been decided since I wasn’t even born. I can’t control anything. I can’t change anybody either. I’ll never get love from my dad. My life has already been torn apart. I’ll be sad always. Nothing can change it. I tried. I really tried.

It’s so scary that people don’t have to take tests when they become parents. Nobody can be the judge of if they are qualified to be parents.

My dad was a good teacher, but never a good father or husband. My grandpa was the person who loved me most, but not a very good person to my cousin’s dad.

Everything has both sides. Everything is actually people’s choice. I chose to be sad. My father chose freedom. But choices affect people’s life. You gotta make them carefully.